This is yesterday’s post that I just was not ready to post yet. I am in a different, better place today and will post again soon.
Mom is out of surgery and all went well… and yet there is still so much more.
I know a doctor’s job is to present to you with the facts. But sometimes it would just be nice to float on what went well for a little while rather than having to move right on into what the next worry should be.
A couple of days ago we were worried that the doctor would get in and not be able to operate at all. The ideal situation would be that he would remove the gallbladder, resection the colon and remove the diseased colon, biopsy the liver and put in a port. The worst case would be that he would open mom up and not be able to do anything.
Today’s surgery was a success! Praise God! The doctor was able to do all of what he had planned. He even took out her appendix! He feels like the gallbladder was causing most of her pain, so she should feel a lot better soon.
He also found a tumor that was about to close off her colon. It had already caused a partial obstruction and could have caused major damage if it completely closed off. The way I understand it, if it had completely obstructed the colon it could have ruptured, and that could have been fatal. He was able to remove the tumor and prevent any of that.
This surgery happening the way it did was a huge blessing. The doctor said that basically what was going on inside our mom was a nightmare. In many cases they would not have been able to do what was done today. But, the fact that they felt good enough about the possibilities to proceed is a big thing.
Her liver is still functioning well and doing what it should, however, there is “significant” cancer on her liver that they could not remove. This was not news that we wanted to receive. She will receive chemotherapy to treat this cancer.
And that is it… But there is still so much more.
It would be nice to sit here and rejoice in the fact that what we were facing less than a week ago has turned out to a HUGE success. And please don’t misunderstand, we are rejoicing in God’s goodness. Praise Him that it all went so well!
We are so grateful to God for answering our prayers. Hundreds of people, all over the world, are lifting our sweet little mom up in prayer. And God heard our prayers. That in itself is HUGE!
The surgeon was just in and talked to her. He told her everything that they did and that it went well and she said, “Praise God!” She asked “how was the liver,” and he said “terrible. But we will talk more about that later.”
This is when the dark cloud of possibilities, fears and what-if’s slowly start rolling in. They seem to cast a heavy shadow on the sunshine in this great moment. That is the so much more.
Staying in the right now is incredibly difficult. After the surgery, after the doctor came and talked to us and told us that the liver was such a concern, we just cried. The moment that we needed to rejoice and to grab a breath of relief was much too short.
It’s that sucker punch that life likes to give us. Like a backhanded compliment.
“I love your hair color! It almost covers up all your grey.”
“Your mom’s surgery went well. But her liver is covered in cancer.”
It’s hard to make any of it really ok.
We also have a lot of why questions? But most of them are for God and not anything that the doctors can answer for us.
My heart is on the floor in the waiting room. It is still too broken to pick up. It is exhausted from deep hope. It is still bruised and scared from past wounds that I thought were healed, but all of a sudden seem fresh again.
My mind is my real weakness. I create fear there. I fast forward there. When things get still and quiet, it speaks so loud. I am so mad that I just want to hit something, and scream and yell and break something, and run. What I would give to run! Run to another place and another time, when it was all ok. It’s one of those moments when you look around, wide-eyed, with your mind going a million miles an hour. I can literally see the world spinning around me.
My soul is trying to remember that God is in control of all of this, but it is difficult to grasp that down here on the floor in this puddle. My soul is weary. Yet, I know His plan is so much greater than ours. In something that is so beyond my control, He has got to be in control of this. There has got to be so much more!
So, as we continue to pray for mom, pray that her body will recover well from this surgery. She had a lot done today and her recovery is crucial. Pray that the biopsy will tell the doctors exactly what chemo to use to treat the cancer on her liver. Pray that her liver responds well to the chemo and continues to function well as we move forward. Pray that our souls speak peace to us louder than our minds speak fear. Pray for endurance.
We are so thankful for your prayers!