School started and all the kids went back to school today. More big changes. The babies’ worlds are shaken again. They are trying to go with the flow, but it is a lot on their little hearts and minds.
At Christy’s house, I think this new beginning is hitting home what has been lost. Maybe things are just slowing down enough, or falling into routine enough, for them to really be able to start feeling our missing part.
At our house, Major is experiencing a lot of anxiety. When mom stayed with us she would sleep in his room with him. So at night, when things slow down, and he climbs into bed, that is when it sets in, for that day at least, that Honey is not here.
Michael and Mavrick are being men. They hold me when I cry if Mark isn’t home. The last two Sunday’s Mark has needed to work, so the boys will sit with me. I cry through worship. So they sit with me and hold me while I cry.
I know that I need to trust God. I know that He loves me. But this. This I really don’t understand. And it really doesn’t feel like love. So worship is difficult for me right now. It is hard to trust right now. And I know now is the time I need to trust the most. So I worship, but I cry.
I find myself wondering if we are all kind of trying to pretend that she is just on one of her trips. She would come and go so much. I really think that is where I am. It’s easier that way. It’s like I am trying not to miss her, because I know it’s going to be so much and so big and I am so scared of it.
When I do try to take it in, try to process even a little bit of it, I am overwhelmed. How in the world am I supposed to make it in this big, nasty, broken world without her? Who is going to answer my questions about life? Who is going to assure me that it really is going to be ok, one day, again?
Yet, I know she is whole and perfect and I would not bring her back from that. At this moment, all my thoughts seem selfish. But at this moment I am ok with that. With her gone I don’t feel whole or like anything will ever be perfect again.
I know that there are people all over the world who love us – you have come out of the woodwork! And we are so grateful for the love you have shown us! – But there is still that part of me that feels like an orphan. I often find myself thinking BOTH my mom and my dad are gone!
And then, a few times I have found myself in this terribly worried place of how do I make sure that I don’t die in my sixties? Both of my parents died in their sixties – dad was 67 and mom was 69. How do I make sure that doesn’t happen to me? That it doesn’t happen to my kids? When I am 67 Major will only be 30. And my heart breaks again, because I also know that no matter what I do – no matter how well I eat, or how much I exercise, or how many doctor appointments I have – I have absolutely no say in when I go. Only where I go.
So I go back to wondering, like a child with her eyes wide open, spinning around in unfamiliar territory, how did this happen? How did we end up here? How is this our lives? At this moment, it is almost impossible to believe this is real.