So many emotions and I am still getting tripped up by shock.
My mom has Colon Cancer. Adenocarcinoma to be exact. Just the word Cancer is like a big bully coming at you.
Mom has had a very busy week.
Monday was her initial Oncologist visit.
Tuesday was her blood transfusion.
Wednesday she rested.
Thursday was her initial GI doctor visit.
Friday he confirmed it was Colon Cancer after a colonoscopy.
Saturday she rested.
Sunday she came to my house from Christy’s.
Monday she had an Ultra Sound of her gallbladder.
Today we had her second Oncologist appointment and discussed the next steps. They are working to get a PET Scan scheduled in the next day or two and she still had a HIDA Scan scheduled for Friday.
She is struggling with being extremely weak. She can’t eat much, so that is not helping with her energy. Her gallbladder is sick, causing a lot of pain and needs to come out. As soon as we know the status on her liver and where the cancer has spread on the liver we will have a better idea of what surgery or surgeries needs to be done and when.
Mom asked the doctor, “so, with it on my liver, is that a death sentence?” His response was that it is most likely not going entirely away, but that she should have several more years.
I guess that is where my shock lies. It took me about a week before I could say CANCER out loud. And wrapping my mind around life without my mom is damn near impossible. Truthfully, it is a place that I just can not go.
Mom’s mom, my Granny, had a lot of health issues. She suffered to a great extent with depression, among other things. Mom remembers going to the hospital to visit Granny on weekends for what seems like the majority of her childhood. We know that the actions of our parents shape our thoughts. This shaped Mom’s thoughts and made her NOT want to see a doctor. Ever.
I am also finding myself mad. I am mad at the disease. I am mad that God allowed the disease. I am mad at modern medicine for not having a cure yet. I am mad that after we lost Daddy six years ago, we didn’t insist mom be more proactive when it came to her health.
And while I am mad, I still have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful that she wasn’t taken suddenly in a car accident. I am thankful that God is giving us time to say what we need to say. With my dad and my brother, we woke up and they were gone. There were no good-byes.
Mostly, I am so thankful that I know where she is going. Whether it is from cancer or whatever else, I know that mom will one day be in Heaven. She will be with my dad, and my brother, and her parents and so many other friends and loved ones, and with our Savior. And I am quickly realizing that for us, whenever she goes, it will be too soon.
Dealing with the mortality of your parents is an incredibly difficult place to be. In my true Avoidance form, I have only in the last six months begun to start processing the possibility that she could be considered to be “aging.” Sort of.
Over the weekend Mark and I did a major cleaning of our bedroom and bathroom, preparing a place for mom to stay while she is at our house. Anyway, I found a bible verse written on a piece of paper. It was Proverbs 3:5-6, which reads, “TRUST in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for loving our momma.
We are trusting God’s plan. We are walking in hope. We are believing in miracles.